Musical Monday: Funny Face

Yes, it's Funny Face! The fabulously glamorous musical that exposes the seamy underbelly of the world of fashion! Starring KAY THOMPSON and DOVIMA! Also starring the clothes of Hubert de Givenchy! With special guest appearances by Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire.

Our movie opens with Kay as Maggie Prescott, Vreeland-esque Editor-in-Chief of Vogue-esque Quality magazine as she marches into her office and already we are awash in envy. We can't decide if we want to be her or one of the fembot receptionists.

She quickly orders her gaggle of fashionistas into her office for some berating (it's official: we want to be her). The latest issue is a dreary disaster and none of you bitches know what the hell you're doing. Then she fires them all. Haha. No, of course not. This is a musical, so she sings to them instead. By the way, what are the green pills for?

Divine, kittens! This is what gay men see when they close their eyes and fall asleep.

Meanwhile, Fred, as Avedon-esque photographer Dick Avery is struggling mightily to get the fabulous-on-a-level-that-we can't-even-articulate Dovima to strike just the right pose.

Kay shows up with the Vaginettes and decides that the shoot isn't working and just like in the real fashion industry, the photographer, the model, and the entire editorial staff decide to just hop in a couple cabs and look for a place to shoot pictures.

They settle on a dreary philosophy bookstore in the village where Audrey Hepburn works. She is principled and wears no makeup so naturally these people pay absolutely no attention to her when she demands that they leave.

In fact, they try to get her in the shot just to shut her up.

Dovima. Fabulosity incarnate. For some inexplicable reason, this is her last scene in the film. We could have watched 2 hours of her posing and changing outfits but sadly, no one asked us.

When that doesn't work, Kay, ever the fashion editor, strong arms her right outside and locks her out for a couple hours.

They leave the store in a shambles and Dick, ever the fashion photographer, stays behind to pretend to help clean up, but really just wants to make a move on her. As we said, she is principled and wears no makeup so that means she throws him out.

But that's the thing with principled girls who wear no makeup. One kiss is all they need to question their principles and wardrobe choices. She sings. Badly.

The next day, Kay has a brainstorm. Screw these vapid overpaid models! We need a real girl to become the Quality woman! She decides to initiate a search, when Fred comes in and tells her that the principled girl who wears no makeup would be perfect. She is appalled, but agrees to take a second look at her.

She orders some books from the store just to get her to come in and then, ever the fashion editor, cruelly assesses her flaws in front of the Vaginettes, who apparently aren't thinking pink anymore.

Her precious principles threatened, she runs off to escape these insane women with incredible posture and because this is a movie, hides out in a dark room where - what a coincidence! - Fred is developing pictures of her. He of course sings and dances a little bit to get her to change her mind.

It must have worked, because suddenly her eyelashes are curled and about an inch longer and makeup has blossomed on her face.

Now that she's wearing makeup, her principles have vanished and she agrees to travel to Paris for a fashion shoot and runway show. She kids herself by telling everyone that it's because she wants to hang out with French philosophers. Kay laughs and tells her she doesn't give a shit what she does so long as she does what she's told.

The three of them travel to Paris and Kay sings her lungs out. The other two sing but we barely noticed them.

Seriously, most of the musical numbers (including this one) are more than a little lame, but Kay sells the hell out of every number and every scene she's in. Aside from the gorgeous couture, she is the only reason to watch this film.

The next day, at the salon of prissy French designer Paul Duvall, Kay is simply BESIDE HERSELF. That DREADFUL GIRL never showed up for her fitting!

This movie is unfortunately lacking in the man meat, but Duvall's actually kinda cute, weak chin notwithstanding.

Fred decides to go look for her and when he sees a stereotypical beatnik BEATING HIS GIRLFRIEND decides that this must be the place.

Sure enough, Audrey's inside blabbing away about her pet philosophy, Empathicalism. She must say that word 200 times in this film.

The film takes a somewhat annoyingly snotty view of beatnik culture and in fact, it's one of the aspects that dates it so badly because with the hindsight of a half century behind it, it's clear just how wrong and off base they were about a subculture that literally wound up changing the world.

But at least we got an adorable dance sequence out of it:


Fred drags her outside and berates her and she petulantly agrees to show up for her fitting the next day.

Now, we normally don't include clips of non-musical scenes, but this is probably the most iconic scene in the movie and damn if she doesn't look absolutely breathtaking in those clothes (although we can't help wanting to get a pair of tweezers and work on those eyebrows).

Is there a gay man alive who hasn't breathlessly uttered "Take the pictchah! Take the pictchah!" whenever someone has a camera on them?

Anyway, the shoot ends with Audrey in a wedding dress outside a church and a lightbulb finally goes off over Fred's head. "Say...this gal likes me! I better make my move." Fashion photographers: sleazy principle destroyers.

But, this is a musical and instead of slapping him, she sits primly while he sings and dances for her. This is enough for her to declare her love and start calling him "Darling."

Later, for no discernible reason, Kay and Audrey dress up like Eastern Europeans as Kay uses her man hands to demonstrate "How to be Lovely." Even Kay couldn't sell this number.

The night of the big unveiling, Audrey is nowhere to be found but Fred suspects she caught a case of principles again and knows where to find her.

Sure enough, she's smoking weed and discussing Empathicalism with its founder while wearing couture. Models. What can you do?

Fred drags her out of there and tells her to wake up, baby. That Empathicalist guy just wanted to get into your Givenchy.

Their argument continues as they wait onstage for the curtain to rise on the new Quality girl and because there is both running water and a fan in the background, we know what happens next, don't we kittens?

Oh!

COMEDY! Quel horreurs!

Audrey is humiliated and runs off.

The next day, as Kay and Fred read the press reports that make them out to be laughing stocks of the fashion industry, they decide to track Audrey down because they know she's not going to show up that night for her runway show. This is when we know we're in a musical, because Diana Vreeland would have spent the next day figuring out ways to destroy Audrey.

Anyway, they find out that she's been invited to M. Empathicalist's salon that night for some marijuana and sex. Just like Diana Vreeland and Richard Avedon would, they decide to dress up like beatniks and sneak her out of there. But first, Kay has to bring the house down:

That bitch is a FORCE OF NATURE, y'all. We said the same thing about Judy Garland: it's really something when you don't even notice Fred Astaire in a musical number. One thing we absolutely love about her here is she somehow manages to make her dancing look spontaneous, as if she's just making it up on the spot, while at the same time hitting every mark dead perfect. Even Astaire doesn't do that.


They find Audrey upstairs, empathicalizing with M. LeSleazy, so Fred knocks him out with a guitar. Seriously. Audrey scrunches up her widdle nose and tells them to get out. Fred is pissed and decides to take a flight home that very minute, because in musicals, there's always a plane waiting to take you away from the girl in the third act.

After they leave, LeSleazy wakes up and Audrey realizes Fred was right all along, so she smashes a statue over his head. Congratulations, girl. You are now officially a self-absorbed fashionista. You may turn in your black turtleneck now.

Audrey shows up at Duvall's salon looking for Fred but Kay commandeers her and says "Fuck that! You've got a runway show to do, bitch!"

Sigh. Unfortunately, they barely shot the runway sequence so you don't get to see enough of the clothes. We're not saying anything that hundreds of others haven't said, but Audrey Hepburn was BORN to wear Givenchy.

At the airport, Fred runs into LeSleazy and finds out that Audrey knocked him out and left him. It's funny because his bandages look like a turban! HAHA! Silly foreigners.

Fred heads back to the salon and learns that Audrey ran off looking for him. He runs off again to find her. Oh for Christ's sake, stop dragging it out. And if you're going to drag it out, have Kay sing or something.

Thankfully, they had some extra footage from the fashion shoot scene and Fred finds her there, in her wedding dress. How perfect. Sing, kiss, the end.

Next Week: It's Too Darn Hot!

"I am a designer. Feel me."

Oh kittens, maybe we've been watching Project Runway for too long, but the "homeward bound" portion of the finale was boring. Gasp! Did we just type that? Could it be that the PRGayBoys are ... over it?

Ha. Not on your life.

Of course we love the show and considering there is no one on the planet who's had more to say about PR than us, we think it's safe to say that we're still firmly in the "obsessed fanboy" camp.

It's just that - remember the other day when we were defending Santino and we said that personality drama was the lifeblood of reality television? Well, that's still true. Now remember when we said one of the few times we get annoyed at reality show drama is when it's too contrived or too producer-created? That's still true too. Holy cow, is it ever.

Of course it's a great idea to travel back to the finalists' homes to get a little backstory and see where they live. We've always loved these episodes. It's just that this season, it seems to us like the producers were working over time to produce tear-jerking backstories where none existed.

Actually, that's not quite true. As these things go, there couldn't possibly be a better story than "My seven sisters and I grew up in a Laotian prison camp and now we live in a McMansion in Houston, Texas!" And maybe that was part of the problem. Chloe had a story that would have been rejected by Lifetime Television for Women as being too unbelievable. The other two designers simply weren't going to live up to that but god bless them (or more likely the producers), they tried.

Let's get this out of the way first: it can be a shitty thing when society considers you an outsider. It's also really difficult to move to a new city with no money and big plans or to be a young gay man in a small town struggling to find your way. We're not denying that these things are hard; but trying to package them as extraordinary stories is a little ridiculous.

With Santino, you got a kindler, gentler version. He was clearly trying to do some damage control after the episodes aired and we have to say, there was definitely something endearing about seeing him so humble. On the other hand, the "walking into the sunset with Tim" sequence was nauseating. You weren't "homeless," you slept on a friend's couch for a couple months until you could get back on your feet. Stop trying to make it sound like you were under a bridge somewhere shooting up with Anthony Kiedis. And what was the point of having Tony Ward there if we can't look at his ass? That's the whole point to Tony Ward.

With Daniel, we just had to laugh. "It was really hard for me to be gay, and here's a bunch of pictures of me modeling different hairstyles to illustrate it. So sad. (pause) Let's go shopping!" Besides, are you really going to enter the fashion world of all places by touting yourself as the gay one? Time to rethink that one, Daniel.

Again, we're not minimizing what in all likelihood were truly painful events in their lives, but when you put them out there as "Here Is My Pain," then it gets a little heavy-handed and eyeroll-inducing. We don't think the designers had it in them to come up with this as a plan. It was more likely the producers pushing them to come up with something they could use. And honeys, when the producers leave their greasy fingerprints all over our tv screens we get cranky. We couldn't even enjoy the required shots of Tim pretending to drive!








[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

That's it.

Blog over.

There's nothing more to write about. Our world has gone cold and gray.


Oh Evangelin. Our little Italian Tammy Faye. Our Madonna of the Garden Shears. Our under-voweled, over-accessorized Mama of Drama. How can we go on without you? What will we write about?


Will any of the other contestants go batshit crazy like you did last night? Will any of them strut around with gardening tools and try and convince themselves they're forward-thinking hair artists? No, doll. They won't. And you know why? Because it takes real talent and focus to become a reality show drama queen superstar and NONE of those people have it. You were the quintessential "piece of work" and now Shear Genius is a little less genius without you.


Exhibit A in the case of whether or not they drug the wig stands. She's so strung out, we're shocked she can still stand.


Honestly, it was a little obvious that she was the one going. You don't strut around and get into arguments about your genius and then expect to stay, honeys. No, she was clearly digging a hole for herself. And her final creation wasn't just ass, it was MEGA-ass. Those little spiral curl tendrils are creepy.


Notice how NONE of the women came down to hug her. Those bitches are HARSH.

Our biggest regret is that she didn't have the Major Meltdown that we were convinced was right around the corner. Granted, she probably burst into tears when she left the studio and hasn't stopped crying in the months since, but it's no fun for us if it's not filmed, now is it?


Bravo, please give her her own show. We think we speak for the rest of America when we say that what this country needs right now is a weepy little Italian woman with garden shears in her hands, too much makeup on, wardrobe by Dress Barn, crying in our living rooms at least one night a week over things that the rest of the population would never considered tear-worthy. Teach us how to feel, Evangelin.

In other news,

Congratulations Danna!

What is it with the vowels on these people? Was the O too expensive or something? We're liking Danna more and more. Partly because she's low-drama but with a sense of humor about it all, but mostly because we're fairly certain she's smoking a blunt every morning before she heads to the studio.


She kicked ass last night. The day-to-night look was simple, but really, simple was the only thing you could have done in a challenge like that.


Her red-carpet challenge? Well....


...don't get us wrong. It's VERY Vanessa Williams, probably moreso than any of the other styles last night - and the back of it really is unique and gorgeous, but man, the front. That is some tranny-looking hair there, sister.

The ultimate Recap/Rethink

In scrutinizing Project Runway Season 2 at a level that just isn't healthy, we realized something that surprised us: we don't hate Santino.

Not that we ever really did. It's kind of hard to work up the necessary bile over a contestant in a reality show competition, but we basically always followed the accepted line that most viewers did: he was the Season 2 "villain," in large part because he was bombastic and obnoxious but mostly because he wasn't auf'd when Nick was, something many viewers considered the death knell for the show's respectability.

Except it hasn't worked out that way. After Season 3, the show's been riding on a wave of respectability higher than previous seasons. Despite the attempts by the viewership to portray him as an evil mustache-twirling villain, in the long run, all he was was good television.

Now, put down the pitchforks, girls. We're not excusing bad behavior and Santino said things that were simply indefensible. We have not a shred of doubt that he was a major pain in the ass to deal with day in and day out.

On the other hand, this is a reality show. And like all reality shows, it lives or dies based on the "performances" of its "characters." Project Runway in particular among the genre has always been lauded for casting interesting, creative people, some of whom are intensely competitive (Wendy, Jeffrey), some of whom are crazy creatives (Jay, Austin), some of whom are ice cold professionals (Kara Saun, Emmett), some of whom are adorable little balls of fluff (Nick, Daniel V., Kayne) and some of whom are just...special (Lupe, Angela, Daniel Franco). All of these people are memorable for bringing their personalities to the table in full force, but no one did so more than and better than Santino.

For all the talk of his "villainy," Santino was, to us, hellaciously funny most of the time. Not just the much-lauded Tim Gunn impressions, but also the singing and dancing, the amazing ease he had in front of the camera, the eye-rolling and laughing on the runway, and best of all, the cagematches with the judges, Nina especially. Oh sure, we can all boo-hoo that he was "disrespectful" to them, but they're not royalty; they're just judges on a reality show. Clearly, the judges enjoyed the backing and forthing just as much as he did, despite Nina's stated fear that he was going to kill her.

Everyone always criticizes these shows for manufactured drama and we don't disagree. Not totally. When the drama is too heavy-handed or when it has the producers' fingerprints all over it, then we get annoyed. But simple drama arising out of strangers being forced to live and work together? Darlings, that's what reality TV is for. You might as well complain that there are too many horses in a western. Sit back and enjoy it, we say. If the show consisted of 44 minutes of designers quietly sewing, none of us would watch it. Well, almost none of us.

What we're trying to say in our roundabout not-enough-coffee way is, take away the drama of wondering who's going to be auf'd next and Santino comes off a lot better. Once you don't have a horse in the race, you notice just how funny and entertaining he can be. Again, we realize some of what he said was nasty but he admitted that he never really meant for any of it to be taken seriously. Certainly the argument could be made that he should take more responsibility for the things he says (and we agree), but it's hard to stay mad when so many of the things he said were some of the funniest and most memorable moments in the show's history.








[Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]


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On the Drama Phone

These drama queens can't even make phone calls without turning it into a soap opera. No "Hi! Just checking in. I miss you!" with this bunch. No, it has to be HIGH DRAMA 24/7.


"Okay, calm down. I need you to focus. You should see a red wire and a blue wire."


"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I just think it's time for me to start seeing other people. Well now that's rude. Besides, I'm not the one who "accidentally" slept with his ex on New Year's Eve! And don't take my Scissor Sisters poster!"


"I know, I know. But the vet said it was time. No, he said it was very peaceful. Yeah, keep the leash."


"Don't cry, honey! Mommy's working really hard to make it all better! Promise! As soon as Mommy wins the money, she'll give it to the nice man and he'll give you back to us, okay? Don't cry! Mommy loves you! We're all gonna be a FAMILY again!"


"Hey, I just wanted to call to let you know ... I'M A LESBIAN! Gotta go! Talk to you later!"


"What the hell is WRONG with these people? Can't they make a simple phone call without all the drama?"

"Dunno. You wanna go next?"

"Naah. I've got my ouija board. You go."

"Right. Time to tell my mother exactly what I think of her. Cheers!"


BONUS: Preview time, Angels!



Evangelin and Tyson unveil towering new looks for themselves, the producers come up with a kickass challenge, and Evangelin is still crazy. Check it out.