Musical Monday: The Barkleys of Broadway

Yes, it's The Barkleys of Broadway! Fred and Ginger! Together again for the first time (on this blog, anyway)!

We weren't planning for our first Fred and Ginger movie to be their last one, but the day we announced we were doing F&G next, lo and behold, Netflix finally found our new address and this is what showed up in our mail. We took it as a sign. Onward!

Fred and Ginger play Josh and Dinah Barkley, a highly successful Broadway song and dance team who seemingly have it all: money, fame, money, success, money, love and money.

Despite that horrific thing she's wearing in the opening number, Ginger's wardrobe is divine throughout the movie.

Having just completed the opening night of their new Broadway show, they head to their opening night party and - what's this? Bitch at each other the whole way there! Ho ho! Apparently, things aren't as rosy with these two as the public thinks!

At the party, Ginger decides to indulge in a little bulimia to deal with her troubled marriage. Trying to hide her 3rd and 4th helpings behind her back, she meets Jacques Pierre Barredout, who might as well have been named Frenchy McFrencherson.

Frenchy captivates her by telling her everything she wants to hear about herself, the things that Fred never says to her: she's magnifique, she's talented, she's beautiful, etc., etc.

After the party, she and Fred have a fight about her shameless flirting.

The days before conditioner were sad ones, weren't they?

Fred makes a point to mention her flyaway hair and split ends and she throws a shoe at him.

Instead of having hate sex, they sing and dance in their bedroom.

The next day, at rehearsals, they meet Shirleen, who the producers have decided to bring
in as an understudy for Ginger since they think the marriage might be in trouble. Despite
the fact she's younger than her and has a penchant for walking around without a skirt on, Ginger readily agrees to have her hired.

Then, they dance:

Unfortunately, this film doesn't really have any dance numbers with the iconic quality of their films of a decade early, but it is a cute number and it's kind of jarring to see Ginger dancing in pants. Especially since her outfit is more masculine than his.

Later, they attend an art gallery, where one of those snooty, ridiculous "modern" artists unveils a new portrait of them. She's a pancake and he's a frying pan. Unsurprisingly, she's offended by this.

Later she forces Fred to wear a skirt, since she had to wear pants.

Still later, they head out for a weekend in the country with their idle rich friends. Among them, Frenchy, who stares longingly at Ginger while she plays tennis naked.

HaHa! Not naked! We just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

Frenchy's girlfriend shows off her breasts. She will be playing the lead in his new play about Sarah Bernhardt. He hates her.

He corners Ginger on a really ugly sofa and makes her read his script. He wants her to play the young Sarah, but she's not sure she's got the acting chops for it.

Later, at their fabulous Manhattan apartment with its painted backdrop, Fred discovers her reading the script and flies into a rage. Fred's kind of an asshole.

Wisely, they decide to openly argue about it in front of the paparazzi that live in their apartment with them.

You know what that means:

Spinning headlines!

Fred continues on without her:

There's a lot of reasons we don't like this number. First, Fred was always much better with a partner; second, it was of a piece with a trend in musicals that he and Gene Kelly started where they would try to one-up each other by doing these gimmicky dances (like dancing with a cartoon character or a mop or a sheet of newspaper or on a ceiling) and after a while it just gets old. Finally, there's the whole "WTF?" thing. No one knows better than us that you have to really suspend your disbelief when you're watching a musical, but when they do these fantasy sequences where shoes come alive and present it like it's something he's performing on a stage in front of an audience, well...WTF?

At rehearsals for her new play, Ginger is depressed because every single one of her co-stars hate her and think she's a no-talent whore. Plus, she's prettier than them.

Fred has drinks with musical director pal Oscar Levant and some blonde in a vagina hat. Oscar tells him that Ginger's having a shitty time in rehearsals because Frenchy doesn't know how to direct her.

Fred decides to impersonate Frenchy and calls Ginger to give her the kind of direction he knows she needs.

He calls her while she's catching up on her beekeeping, but she's grateful for the wonderful advice he gives her.

The next day, her co-stars love her! "I don't care if she's thinner than me and fucking the director, she's MARVELOUS!"

Oscar Levant tricks the two of them into performing one of their standards at a hospital benefit:

It's lovely, certainly. And they look just like how Fred and Ginger should look when they're together, but this number was akin to a Rolling Stones concert today. They're just sort of going through the motions and waiting for the applause. They don't have to give it their all because they're FRED AND GINGER, bitches.

Anyway, after the dance, Fred's all "Hey, maybe we should -" and Ginger's all "Not a chance in hell, asshole."

On Ginger's opening night, Fred toasts to her success with Oscar and some other blonde in a vagina hat. Unfortunately...

...she sucks. Like, really, really sucks.

But, everyone in the film acts like they've just witnessed the finest actress of her generation, so if we can accept the shoes dancing by themselves, we guess we have to accept this.

Fred is saddened by her standing ovation because he knows he's lost her for good. Also, because he's kind of an asshole.

Frenchy declares his love for her backstage, but she's still waiting for Fred to show up.

Meanwhile, some blonde without a vagina hat is saying things that annoy the fuck out of him.

He decides to call her one more time as Frenchy and ask her who she really loves, him or...him?

Which is kind of stupid of him because she's in her dressing room after the show that the real Frenchy wrote and directed. It didn't occur to him that he might still be there?

Ginger figures it all out and strings Fred along for awhile. She shows up at their apartment that night in a dress clearly made for ballroom dancing, but Fred doesn't get the hint.

At least not right away.

That couch looks like a skinned muppet, but we'll take those chairs in the background.

Anyway, all's well that....you know. Could there be any other ending, kittens? And for some reason, Ginger decides to end the show wearing one of Ann Miller's old castoff dresses. Or is that one of Miss Piggy's?

Musical Monday: Fiddler on the Roof

Yes, it's Fiddler on the Roof!

Sort of.

You see, neither of us had ever seen this movie and when it came time to pick a flick for our next entry, because it's such a classic and because we can half-sing at least 3 of the songs already, we figured it would be a fun choice.

About 40 minutes into it, the expectant smiles on our faces began to fade a little and about 2 hours into it (with more than an hour to go), the look on our faces was more akin to one of horror.

Now don't get us wrong, it's a wonderful film. Really it is. And the songs are rich and intricate and beautiful and they mesh perfectly with the fantastic performances (especially Topol's) and gorgeous cinematography. So, what was the problem?

Honeys, this was quite possibly the least gay musical ever committed to film.

There is nothing campy about this film. No Ann Miller shaking the blues away, no Judy in a shitty dress, no big production numbers, no Gene Kelly's ass, and not a feather or sequin to be found anywhere. And (sorry Paul Michael Glaser fans) not one hot man to look at. Sure, Motel's a big girl who seemed more excited at the prospect of owning a sewing machine than actually bedding Tzeitel, but even he couldn't give us the big gay fix we needed.

Then there's the subject matter. Are we, a couple of GoyBoys, really going to make jokes about pogroms and forced evacuations? Really? We're bitchy, but we're not that bitchy. And even if we were that bitchy, there's not a lot of material there from which to craft laugh-out-loud jokes, not to our eyes anyway. We'll leave the pogrom jokes to the Jackies and Sheckies of the world.

Not that this was a depressing film by any means. There's certainly plenty of light-hearted moments and humor to go along with the fantastic songs and somehow, it even manages to make an ending that by all rights should be wrist-slittingly depressing into something a little uplifting. If you haven't seen it, we recommend it . We just can't find a way to make fun of it without being assholes about it.

So. Fiddler on the Roof. Great story, fantastic, hummable songs, many of which have become such an integral part of pop culture that you'll be surprised how many of the lyrics you already know, beautiful cinematography, terrific performances. Unfortunately, it's just about the most heterosexual musical ever made. If you came here for screencaps and bitchery, you'll have to be satisfied with song clips instead.

Next week, since we're starving for some feathers and sequins, we think it's about time we dove into the Fred and Ginger pool, don't you?


[Photo: Imdb.com]

Musical Monday: Victor/Victoria

Yes, it's Victor/Victoria! And we hate you all for it!

You see, we never really planned on doing many of the latter musicals because they're too self-aware to parody. What was subtext in a classic MGM musical becomes text in anything post-Saturday Night Fever.

Well, you bitches kept asking for this one and as we perused the racks of the local videostore (because NetFlix can't seem to find our address), our eyes fell on this oft-requested musical and we thought "Well, why not?" It's certainly a gay classic and god knows, we've had plenty of fun at Julie Andrews' expense already. We should've stuck to our gay guns on this one because it's practically impossible to make fun of a movie that spends all its time making fun of itself.

So strap yourself in. bitches. We'll give it our best shot, but this looks like it's going to be a very different kind of Musical Monday.

Our story starts here as "pathetic old queer" Toddy, played by Robert Preston, wakes up to find his self-loathing gigolo rooting through his wallet.

We have...opinions on Preston's performance and the character of Toddy, but they tend to be a little contradictory, so we're going to try and work our way through them as we go along.

Later, Julie, as down-on-her-luck opera singer Victoria Grant, is auditioning for a job that's totally beneath her at Chez Lui, a Parisian gay cabaret where Toddy happens to perform. She doesn't get the job because (as she's told) it's like teaching a nun to be a governess to seven children.

A streetwalker! We meant a streetwalker. It's like teaching a nun to be a streetwalker. We're not quite sure what that means but she's apparently too good for Chez Lui. She shatters a wine glass on her way out.

Later, she wanders the cold Paris streets, hungry and bereft. She apparently had the superpower to shatter glass with her voice, so we're not sure why she didn't just hit a high note and reach in to take the eclair away from the fat guy.

That night, Toddy, who apparently shares the same hairstylist as Barbara Bush, performs for...

...Joan Rivers, some stone cold bitch, and his money-grubbing gigolo (among others). He says something pithy, a fight breaks out and he gets fired from Chez Lui.

He runs into Victoria and tells her he caught her audition and thought she was wonderful. She "buys" him dinner by ordering everything on the menu and causing a cockroach-induced riot when it comes time to pay the bill. They sneak out into the rain.

And head back to Toddy's place for some cognac and expositional dialogue while waiting for their clothes to dry. Julie's cheapass clothes are ruined and she winds up staying the night. Toddy is for the most part sexless, so she doesn't give her safety a second thought.

The next morning, she dresses like a man and beats up the gigolo while Toddy watches and masturbates.

Toddy has a brilliant idea to pass Julie off as a man because - well, just look at her. She's positively dripping with testosterone.

He gets her a high-paying gig and teaches her the ancient art of drag queenery. Apparently, it's "lots of shoulder."

Y'know, we were just tiny little baby fags when this movie came out, so it's fun to watch it as the jaded old queens we've become. It's true, there really is a lot of shoulder in drag queenery.

During rehearsals, Toddy spends his time feeling the taut little asses of the chorus boys while they pretend not to notice.

On opening night the DIVINE Lesley Ann Warren - the true STAR of this film - attends with her boyfriend, King Marchand (James Garner), a Chicago gangster and nightclub owner along with his bodyguard (Alex Karras).

If you are a gay man over the age of 35, you won't get far telling us that this was not an iconic performance for you because we simply won't believe you. Hit it, Julie:

Fabulous. Lorenzo admits that he used to perform this number behind closed doors as a teenager. Tom is not quite ready to admit that yet.


After the show, Lesley Ann is thrilled to meet the man who gave her man a hardon. Look for her in The Dina McGreevey Story on Lifetime this fall.

Jim Garner, not so much. He doesn't believe "Victor" is really a man. Where'd he get a crazy idea like that? Julie Andrews is TOTALLY butch! She's practically a lumberjack!

Later, Lesley Ann taunts Jim in their divinely appointed art deco suite. He tells her to fuck off.

So she gets to redecorating.

No gay man would lay on satin sheets with an open bottle of champagne fully dressed in expensive clothes.

Jim tries to sex Lesley Ann but she doesn't have a penis, so he can't get it up. Take a good look: Tom and Katie in 20 years.

Later, she takes to openly masturbating on public transportation. Katie, if you're reading this, this could be YOU. Get out, now!

The other iconic performance from this film. Although Tom can state definitively that he did NOT perform this behind closed doors. Ever. The jury's still out on Lorenzo.

That night, Jim hangs out in the linen closet and masturbates while Julie takes a bath. He's a bit disappointed that her penis is apparently very small.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's not iconic but damn if that girl didn't deserve an Oscar for this number alone. Fucking HYSTERICAL. Tom once rode in an elevator with Lesley Ann Warren many years later and he wanted to mention this scene to her but chickened out.

Anyway, she goes crying to Jim's business partner that he's turned gay on her in Paris.

Meanwhile, Christopher Atkins gets some work on the side.

Just a little reminder that normally, it's not that hard to tell when a "woman" has a penis, y'know?

Later, Julie beats up an old woman.

And the Stonewall riots break out.

Jim and Julie finally do it and she can't understand why he keeps insisting on doggie-style.

Finally, she tells him that she is penisless.

Meanwhile, Toddy and Alex are doing that thing that all gay men do in bed. Having tea.

Look, Robert Preston did a great job in the role and it was certainly a forward-looking take on a gay character for the time. It's just that he's so sexless and too often portrayed as pathetic and world-weary that we have a hard time with his character.

Plus, the hair. It drives us nuts. No one went around with blow-dried hair in Paris in the 1930s.

Anyway, Jim and Julie decide to go public with the love that dare not speak its name but he's a top and he always wants to lead.


Later, his business partners kidnap him because they think he's gay. The plot's kinda speeding along like a train out of control at this point.

So, Lesley Ann finds out that Julie has a vagina and apparently that solves everything.

Julie is now free to do that thing that Julie Andrews is contractually obligated to do in every one of her films: wear a hideously unflattering dress. It really says something that her character dressed better when she was a man.

And then, for no reason whatsoever, Toddy gives a drag performance so awful that there's no way in hell he's gay. Why the film ended this way, we have no idea.