On the Drama Phone

These drama queens can't even make phone calls without turning it into a soap opera. No "Hi! Just checking in. I miss you!" with this bunch. No, it has to be HIGH DRAMA 24/7.


"Okay, calm down. I need you to focus. You should see a red wire and a blue wire."


"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I just think it's time for me to start seeing other people. Well now that's rude. Besides, I'm not the one who "accidentally" slept with his ex on New Year's Eve! And don't take my Scissor Sisters poster!"


"I know, I know. But the vet said it was time. No, he said it was very peaceful. Yeah, keep the leash."


"Don't cry, honey! Mommy's working really hard to make it all better! Promise! As soon as Mommy wins the money, she'll give it to the nice man and he'll give you back to us, okay? Don't cry! Mommy loves you! We're all gonna be a FAMILY again!"


"Hey, I just wanted to call to let you know ... I'M A LESBIAN! Gotta go! Talk to you later!"


"What the hell is WRONG with these people? Can't they make a simple phone call without all the drama?"

"Dunno. You wanna go next?"

"Naah. I've got my ouija board. You go."

"Right. Time to tell my mother exactly what I think of her. Cheers!"


BONUS: Preview time, Angels!



Evangelin and Tyson unveil towering new looks for themselves, the producers come up with a kickass challenge, and Evangelin is still crazy. Check it out.

Battle of the Bottle Blondes

DELICIOUS bitchery this week, darlings! Tyson and Tabatha, two Persian cats pissing and hissing and establishing their territories. LOVE. IT.

Of course one of these fluffy little balls of bitchery is seriously out of his league. Someone needs to warn Tyson that the men who cross Tabatha tend to wind up in jars, ribbiting their heads off.


"I can do this all day, you know. I never blink."

"Oh, you child. I haven't blinked since the Middle Ages."


"...

I think I'll go call my mommy now."

Of course, bitchery is all the more delicious when it's the rage-behind-the-grin variety.

"Aw. Looks like you're last, Tabs."


"Why, THANK you, Tyson. That was so very thoughtful of you to try and make this more fun for me. Was that your Mommy's idea?"


"I will destroy you."


"Well you better get on it then, because you're going to need about 30 priests and a metric ton of holy water. And even THAT didn't work the last time someone tried it."


"It's cute, isn't it? Give me a lock of his hair, an unbaptized baby and the light of a full moon and I'll have him shitting ping-pong balls for the rest of his sorry life."

BONUS:
Q: What's funnier than obvious product placement?

A: Obvious product placement with a goofy accent.

"Guhls, it's time fuh you to put on yuh goawchuss Cinteeuh Wowee cwothes."


"Shit, I just got my hair hacked off by a hobbit. What the hell are wowee clothes?"


God, isn't that babydoll-over-jeans look seriously done at this point? On the one hand, it's to the show's enormous credit that they appear to be using real women as wig stands instead of size zero lollipop heads. On the other hand, these poor girls just had their hair hacked off by crazy people. Can't you at least TRY and make them feel a little pretty while you force them to parade around?

We're not the biggest fans of Cynthia Rowley, but she usually puts out flirty, cute, girly clothes. This looks like she just pulled stuff out of her hamper and gave it to the producers. We understand that the girls need to look somewhat uniform, but why not put them all in basic black dresses? That looks good on anyone and it won't detract from the hair. As it is, we can't help noticing the clothes because they're so drab and unflattering.

Kiddie Night

GAY FRODO?!?!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


LACEY?!?!

Oh.

Well, the judges were clear last night: no kids at the grownups table. And TWO eliminations! Black is white! Up is down! Nothing makes sense anymore. We may need a couple days to recuperate from the drama.

Actually, we loved the double elimination. Anything that shakes up the format is a good thing (Top Design producers, pay attention). But before we get into that...


SHE'S 61 YEARS OLD, PEOPLE.

Of course she's had work done (notice that they NEVER show her in a closeup) but STILL. Compare her to the other Angels, who all look like burn victims in a wind tunnel at this point. She is literally old enough to be the mother of almost everyone on the show. Kelly Garrett, we bow down to your superior genes, as well as your superior surgeon.

We can guarantee that Sally's obnoxious t-shirt cost at least 150 bucks when you could get the exact same effect by rooting through the bins at Goodwill and picking up some Puffy Paint at an art supply store.

But enough about that. Let's talk about EVANGELIN.

That is one petrified wig stand. Everyone kept saying "I would RUN if she brought those things near my head." True, but we would probably run because she's wearing that hat.

When it looked like she was going to be eliminated in the shag challenge, we both perked up in our seats. "She's gonna cry!" "Hold it in, girl! You can do it!" "Fuck THAT. Let it out, Honey! Let's see those waterworks!"

But (thankfully) she was kept in the game and she was surprisingly low-key about the whole thing.


"I'm just gonna take a little more off...riiiight there, right where your jugular is. Doooon't mooooove...there!

So! How you doing? Isn't this fun? Oh, honey! Don't cry! I know it's exciting but you -- OHMIGOD! Did you just wet your pants?"


We can't tell, but it looks like she still might have her earlobes. Also, she looks medicated, which would explain why she didn't run out screaming.

All credit where it's due, she really did an incredible job considering the tool she used. Everyone rolled their eyes and laughed at her for picking the garden shears but WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCHES?


Actually, she's crying now, but they are TEARS OF JOY. HAIR JOY. So congratulations, doll! Every time we see your name we want to shout out "I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat!" but you did good last night.

Then there was Frodo.

Oh Theodore. Did you learn nothing last week when you spent too much time yakking about color when you should have been working? Honestly, we can't speak to his talent, simply because there were so few opportunities for him to display it, but we have to say he was cut last night more for maturity issues than talent issues. There was just a little too much "I'm gonna show everyone how fabulous and carefree I am!" and not enough "I need to shut up and do the work."


'Cuz honey? That is ASS. Seriously, what are they doing to these wig stands to prevent them from freaking out?

Ah well. We were seriously bummed to see him go. He's adorable, he's entertaining, and we think he had it in him to do some good work in the competition. But kudos to him for his fabulous exit. He made his gay uncles proud as he sashayed outta there, head held high. Darlings, if you remember nothing else, always remember the credo of fabufags everywhere: "I am FIERCE and I am FABULOUS and I NEVER let them see me cry!"


Three snaps up, girl!

More hair high jinks tomorrow!